Screwup.
1. i hate being constantly touched by this junior in choir. but he is a friendly person. how?2. i am confused, is my relationship turning into a friendship? 3. i dont like someone being overly possessive towards me. i need space to breathe and think!4. i am afraid he will hurt himself i told him we were better off as friends. he will really do things to hurt himself!5. i have a tatt, which i fear will bring discrimination towards me when i look for jobs in future.6. i have no idea how to remove it ; penknife or laser?7. i have to wait till i have money then can laser!8. my studies are dying.9. i need to find something to relieve my stress ; drinking, huhu-ing (which im supposed to quit btw) .10. i cannot put you out of my mind. but dont worry, you will just always be in my mind. thats all.
i'm totally screwing up my life. despondency. but i dont want to screw up other people's lives too. im really scared that he would hurt himself.
but i feel that we are really better off as friends. its not fair for both me and you if you have to face the facade i have to put up everyday. that will not be a relationship. that will be in self denial.
i've got to admit it, we hardly have anything in common. i love to read, while the sight of books make you feel like sleeping. i love modern music and chorale ones, but chorale ones are simply too boring for you. i love to spend time with my friends, but instead whenever there is school, i spend literally every waking hour with you when possible. i love my friends, even the guys, but you dont like them, and you have to make snide comments behind their backs. i love to know whats going on all the time, but you constantly have moodswings due to your sensitiveness and easy jealous nature. i love to be there for you, but the problem is, you have to have my attention all the time. you get all emotional when i spend my time on the computer and not talk to you. i love socializing, but you dont. if you realised, you are rather unsociable, and when people dont know you, its hard to talk to you. i love to express my feelings, but you always abuse yourself by punching walls and cutting yourself everytime we have a quarrel. i love express the likes and dislikes of mine, but instead you put on a facade and get hypocritical. whenever my friends are nice, you are okay. but whenever something happens, you'll try and get all ' i told you so ' kind of thing. i dont know what to do, but it dawned upon me, that your insecurities are drowning you. i am lazy, but i try to study, you however, literally gives up hope on your studies. i cannot even push myself, can you imagine the exasperation i go through when you dont give a damn? you already failed a year, and now you only have 5 subjects because you dropped 1. but do you give a damn? NO. with sudden realization, this are all too much for me to take. i want you to be happy, but what about myself? i can't bring myself to tell you because i dont want to see you hurt yourself. but tell me, what should i do?
Labels: i'm so sorry.
what we could have been, 9:21:00 PM.
